ForeverBlog: Guessing the Purpose of Your Life

Have you ever taken a minute to look back at the last few years of your life, and wonder exactly what the purpose was behind the things that happened?

I find myself doing that in two situations: one, when I feel particularly reflective, and two, whenever I come across a hardship or obstacle. In one case, I seek to understand the path my life has taken...and in the other, I tend to look at the bad stuff and think, "What the H-E-double hockey sticks?!"

So here it is: Today, I find it hard to see the value in the twists and turns I've taken:

1. Why would I apply for, and get accepted to, grad school in Cali, when I would withdraw from the program a year later, being halfway done with the entire degree?

2. Why would I think God would lead me to try video games instead of my Master's, when 5 months later I would withdraw from classes again, this time because of money?

3. How come I'd get led to a non-denominational church a month after getting married, a path which has caused a great deal of pain in the past, even though we'd been Lutheran for all of our Christian lives up until that point?

4. What was the purpose in coming to that church as a possible Master's counseling internship, end up worshiping there, and working there, when we often found that the worship was much better than the job? If it wasn't a good fit, why did it happen?

5. How did it come to pass that Shell would get a job up in NorCal, and that we would move here...and to reach this point, where I just recently found a job, and we haven't been able to establish ourselves yet. If it's time to leave, it's a good thing we didn't get a chance to grow more attached to the area...right? Or are we supposed to stay?

You know, in the midst of writing this blog, I usually find an answer as I write. As of now, I really don't have any solutions that come to mind. I just feel pressed to answer questions I can't fully define, as if I'm flunking a test about myself.

Only now, in the years since moving to California, do I almost feel like I long for some kind of home. Is that Michigan? Or is it with certain people? Since college, it's suddenly much harder to maintain relationships with friends and family; everyone spreads out and you kind of fight a loneliness that never used to be there.

I suspect that there is a lesson to be learned in the entire situation. Perhaps things are simpler than I imagine. I don't believe the events of my life were an accident, but I do wonder why they happened the way they did. As life goes on, I find it increasingly difficult to "wing it"; to operate at a certain level and have it be good enough.

At the very worst moments, I consider myself in a race against time - to make something of myself before life becomes so overwhelming that I abandon who I am just to survive.

That is the crux of the entire matter: how am I content with my past and my shortcomings, when all around me there are people and reminders that I'm not good enough for one reason or another? In the span of one day where you wake the neighbors by taking your wife to the airport, make a few people mad in traffic because there's little room to operate, and, possibly, accidentally setting off the alarm at work by going out the wrong door (still waiting to hear about that one)...

With that said, I can't claim to have had a terrible life; many face much worse than I do. I imagine worse is coming along someday for me. This is part of the hard truth to stopping and taking an honest account of existence: much of it outright sucks.

And so, I take a faith in God ahead, wondering where my "silly" novels fit into becoming profitable, wondering what and where Shelley's next job will be, pondering what I'll do if we have to move too far away for me to keep my current job. Sorrow from uncertainty seems to be all around me, compounded by Shelley's absence for the better part of the next two weeks. There will be a day when it all makes sense. Until then, I can only be the best Sean I know how to be...and the people that matter most to me will be perfectly happy with that.

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